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Forgiveness #1: The Soul’s Struggle—Why Forgiveness is Like Eating Squash

I am taking a break from my series of posts on The Mind of Christ to focus on a related issue that definitely affects our minds—one that I have been working on and continue to work through: Forgiveness.


I hope some of my processing and the resources I list at the end will be helpful for others. This first post is just to pique your interest. I pretty much guarantee you that the second post will challenge some common misconceptions.


Blessings!




“Eat Your Squash”

In our fast-paced modern culture, we have lost many of the traditions that once grounded us, specifically the simple act of sitting down for a family meal without the "portable ball and chain" of a smartphone glued to our hands.


I have such fond memories of raucous dinners filled with laughter and games like "the link bird" (ask me if you want to know about this game), where the table was a place for deep conversation and "physical nutrients". However, not every memory is sweet; I also remember the "contest of wills" that occurred when I was forced to eat squash.


I hated it—mushy, gross, and seemingly impossible to swallow. Yet, my parents insisted because they knew it was good for me—well, at least that is what they said. Working on forgiveness is often exactly like eating squash: we know it is part of God’s love for us and essential for our health and the health of the church community, but the actual thought of forgiving someone who has deeply wounded us can feel repulsive.



Understanding the Wounded Soul

To understand why forgiveness is so difficult, we must look at how we are made. Every human being has four fundamental needs: to be recognized (seen), accepted, loved, and to have security and consistency in those experiences over time (Willard).


Recognition (being seen) begins the moment a mother looks into her baby’s face, establishing a soul in relation rather than isolation. When these foundational needs are transgressed—through betrayal, abandonment, or disregard—we end up "bruised and broken" at the core of who we are.


We become part of the millions who are "staggering" from the weight of their wounds, often falling into the "glandular grind" of stress where our vitality is drained away like the "fever heat of summer" (Willard).




The Fantasy of "Unforgiveness"

There is a seductive appeal to unforgiveness because hate and anger provide a false sense of pleasure and comfort. Many people actually use unforgiveness to "manage" others, thinking that by holding a grudge, we maintain control over the offender.


This is the "unforgiving project," but it is a dangerous trap. As a pilot in the movie Red Dawn (the original 1984 movie) famously said, “All that hate is going to burn you up inside, kid,” to which the kid, in his delusion, replied, “It keeps me warm inside”.


By staying unforgiving, we are choosing to keep our wound open, allowing it to be a constant drain on our life and spirit. Unforgiveness presents us with an illusion of control and justice, but in reality, we just keep hurting.



What Forgiveness Is NOT

Part of our resistance to forgiveness stems from a misunderstanding of what it requires. Sometimes, I believe we feel like forgiving ignores justice and our personal pain. In my next posts, I will deal with this misconception and talk about how God takes our pain seriously.


To move toward healing, we must acknowledge several things that forgiveness does not mean:


  • It does not mean you stop hurting. You can forgive and still experience the pain of the wound; you simply decide not to act out of that pain to punish the other.


  • It does not mean you forget. To forget a betrayal would be "just stupid" because you must remember reality while choosing not to hold the offense against the person. Jesus remembers the wounds of our sin—they are always with Him in His hands, feet, and side—but He chooses not to hold them against us.


  • It does not mean the relationship will return to the way it was. Forgiveness does not require you to immediately trust someone who betrayed you. Now that you know their character, you may need to establish boundaries, recognizing it may not be wise to remain within that person's "network of influence".


  • It does not mean it is instantaneous. Healing a soul is like healing a physical wound. Deep wounds take time and may be reopened if rubbed against an abrasive substance. If you have to deal with an issue multiple times, it doesn't mean you haven't forgiven; it means the process takes time. Be gracious with yourself.


Ultimately, forgiveness is a miracle of grace—a supernatural act that is "out of the natural" human response. As Psalm 32:3 warns, “For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long”. By choosing to "love mercy"—giving a good that is not deserved—we stop the grind and begin to heal.


I hope this post encourages you and sparks your curiosity regarding forgiveness. I also hope you look forward to my next update, where we will really get into the weeds of the matter. I'll be exploring the two-dimensional aspects of forgiveness—both vertical and horizontal—and diving into the Scriptures.


In the meantime, if you are looking for an excellent resource that will shift your perspective on forgiveness and the vital roles of confession, repentance, and restitution, I highly recommend picking up Rediscovering the Power of Repentance and Forgiveness: Finding Healing and Justice for Reconcilable and Irreconcilable Wrongs. It has shed a lot of new light on my own previous misunderstandings.



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