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Forgiveness #2: Navigating the Road to Reconciliation: Forgiveness as Two-Dimensional

Are you ready to dive in? Trust me, this is a ride!


When we find ourselves trapped in a cycle of hurt, we often feel like we are running our own show, attempting to be the judge and executioner for those who have wronged us. To find true freedom, we must adopt a "two-dimensional" understanding of forgiveness that distinguishes between our relationship with God (vertical) and our relationship with others (horizontal).


Walking the road to wholeness, forgiveness, and reconciliation involves a two-step process.



Step One: The Vertical Release


Vertical forgiveness is a transaction between the individual and God. When someone sins against us, a "debt" is incurred. The first step for the victim is to go to God in prayer and release that debt to Him. This is what Jesus meant in Mark 11:25 when He said, "Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone."


Often, several passages are used to make a person feel that they must forgive on a horizontal level (between people) even when there has been no repentance, but these passages never command such a thing (Matthew 6:12; Luke 11:4; Acts 7:60; Luke 23:34; Mark 11:25). If you look closely, you will observe that all of these passages are prayers and that there are no horizontal or interpersonal commands in these Scriptures (Coulter, 95). In other words, these scriptures deal with a willingness to release the person’s debt to us, to God. They prepare our heart before God and make us willing to forgive the individual when they repent.


This vertical step is unilateral; it does not require the offender to be present or even sorry yet. By releasing our right to "get even" and handing the penalty over to God, we cleanse our hearts of bitterness. Think of Jesus on the cross praying, "Father, forgive them" (Luke 23:34). He was not offering universal, horizontal forgiveness to unrepentant people; rather, He was releasing the offense to the Father and setting His heart to forgive the moment they eventually repented (which we see in Acts 2). This release removes the "hindrances" to our own prayers, ensuring that our relationship with God remains open and free from unforgiveness.



Step Two: Horizontal Reconciliation


While we can vertically release a debt at any time, interpersonal (horizontal) reconciliation is a two-way street. For a relationship to be restored, there must be a specific biblical process:


  • Confession: The offender must acknowledge the truth of the damage caused. Confession is when we say the same thing about our actions that God does. It is important that we actually see our destructive action as sin, and therefore recognize how serious it is. False confession is vague and makes a person feel like they took responsibility without actually doing so. For instance, when people say, "I’m sorry," or, "I know I did things wrong," but there is no acknowledgment of what specifically they did wrong, they are alleviating their sense of guilt without actually naming what they need to "turn away from—repent." This type of false confession is very destructive to the process of reconciliation because, often, the person who sinned "turns the tide," so to speak, and now acts as though they are the victim because the "sinned-against party" won’t forgive them, when in reality there has never been true confession and repentance (necessary elements for forgiveness).


  • Repentance: There must be an honest commitment to turn away from the behavior, which is measured by a person's actions. In other words, words mean little, but actions have weight. Please understand how important repentance is. Not even God will forgive a sinner who does not repent (Matthew 3:2; 4:17; Acts 2:37-38). The Bible says godly sorrow leads to repentance (2 Corinthians 7:10), not to just say, "I'm sorry." Now, people may stumble 490 times and fall back into sinful patterns, but if there is a sincere commitment to turn from their sin and restore the relationship, then the groundwork is set for reconciliation, and one must forgive the sinner.


  • Restitution: When possible, a person needs to be committed to making things right, such as paying back what was damaged. This is riddled throughout the Old Testament on the horizontal plane, where people must make restitution for accidental and negligent incidents like oxen that gore, or personal injuries.  The same is true when people wrong each other. God expects restitution plus adding a fifth to what was damaged. I guess God takes restitution seriously (Leviticus 6:1-5; Numbers 5:5-7).


According to Luke 17:3, we are instructed to "rebuke the offender; and if there is repentance, you must forgive." This is also consistent with God’s expectation in the Old Testament (Leviticus 19:17). If the offender does not repent, the sinned-against person is not commanded to "forgive anyway" on a horizontal level. Instead, we follow the steps in Matthew 18:15-17, bringing the matter to the community to "win the other person over." The goal is not punishment, but restoration. I would also say that our goal is for the welfare of the person who has sinned against us. We want them to be free from the actual guilt they have before God.



Living in the Flow of Blessing


The road runs from forgiveness to blessing. When we live as forgiven people, we stop "freaking out" at others in traffic or neighborhood disputes. We learn to "overcome evil with good," treating even our enemies with a miracle of kindness. We are called to be "salt and light" to the world, demonstrating that the Kingdom of God is a reality where the burden of failure can be lifted.


A powerful way to practice this is the benediction from Numbers 6:24-26, "The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face to shine upon you." To bless someone is to explicitly will their good under the invocation of God. When we choose to bless those who curse us, the blessing becomes like a constant flow. We don't have to "fumble around to find the switch in the dark" because it is already flowing from the life of God within us. By stepping into this flow, we finally move from a life of malice into a life bathed in prayer and peace.


Horizontal reconciliation is the interpersonal process of restoring a broken relationship between two people. Unlike vertical forgiveness, which is a onesided release of debt to God, horizontal reconciliation is a "two-way street" that requires specific actions from both the sinner and the person who was sinned against. As we wrap up this long post, le us look at the following steps required for horizontal reconciliation:



Steps for the Offender (The Sinner)


The person who committed the wrong has the primary responsibility to initiate the restoration of the relationship.


  • Confession: The offender must acknowledge the truth of what happened and the specific damage their actions have caused.


  • Repentance: This involves an honest commitment to turn away from the behavior that caused the injury. True repentance is not just saying "I'm sorry," but is measured by a person's actions and a change in behavior.


  • Restitution: The offender should make things right by paying back what was damaged, sometimes including an extra amount to compensate for the loss.


  • Prioritizing Reconciliation: Scripture instructs the sinner to go and be reconciled with their brother or sister before offering worship or gifts to God (Matthew 5:23-24).




Steps for the Victim (The Sinned-Against)


While the victim must vertically release their anger and desire for revenge to God, the horizontal process involves a structured "negotiation" for the sake of reconciliation.


  • Private Confrontation (Rebuke): The victim has a duty to go to the offender privately to "point out the fault" (Matthew 18:15; Leviticus 19:17) or "rebuke" them (Luke 17:3). This is not done for revenge, but to bring the sin "into the light" so the offender has the opportunity to repent.


  • Involving Witnesses: If the offender refuses to listen or acknowledge the sin, the victim should take one or two objective witnesses to confirm the facts and help settle the matter.


  • Involving the Community: If the offender remains unrepentant after the first two steps, the matter is brought before the church or covenant community.


  • Granting Forgiveness: If the offender repents at any stage of this process, the victim is commanded to forgive them horizontally.



The Condition of Repentance


Interpersonal reconciliation cannot take place without repentance. If an offender refuses to acknowledge the wrong or change their behavior, the relationship remains broken, and the victim is not commanded to "forgive anyway" on a horizontal level. In such cases, the unrepentant person is eventually to be treated as "a Gentile or tax collector," effectively setting them outside the community until they come to their senses.


In my next post, I am going to try to consider some difficult scenarios that don’t always fit within the Matthew 18 model. What do we do when the "community" or, in this case, leadership structures, fail to support the victim (specifically top down organizations- Episcopal Government)? What does it look like regarding relationships when a person thinks they have repented because they have said "sorry" but made no changes? What might restitution look like when dealing with a narcissistic personality? Is reconciliation even possible in such a relationship? How do we live in grace and mercy yet set boundaries? Trust me, this is all a work in progress for me.


Resources

  • The Infographics are created by AI (an corrected by Josiah Merriman) and drawn from images in chapters 7 & 8 in Coulter’s book.



  • Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. S. (2004). Boundaries. Zondervan. (I actually listened to this as an eBook from the county library for free)





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